Taming Damian(60)

By: Jessica Wood

“Let’s call this for what it was,” I continued. “An one-night-stand. You were a great fuck, and I got my mind off some things I didn’t want to think about. And I’m pretty sure you had a great time too.”

He smiled at me coyly, indicating his agreement.

“But, let’s just keep it at that. Let’s not drag this out.”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” he teased. “We can still get to know one another and have a good time.”

“Trust me,” I said almost inaudibly as I turned away from him, “you don’t want anything to do with me.”

Without looking back at him, I walked out into the empty hallway and closed his bedroom door behind me. Regret gripped inside me as I started my walk-of-shame procession across the hallway, down the stairs, through the almost-emptied living room of the frat house, and out the door into the cold, bitter evening darkness that welcome me with open arms.

I wasn’t like this all the time. Actually, I haven’t been in a relationship for three years now. By choice. And yet, I don’t usually sleep around. But, when I do, something inside me seemed to go into a full-throttle mode of being reckless, throwing all caution to the wind, like an idiot who didn’t know any better.

I knew better.

But why was I so reckless? Why did I tell him I didn’t want to use a condom? Why did I say I was on the pill when I wasn’t? I shook my head violently as I walked the few houses over on Greek Row to my sorority house.

You know why, Natalie, I told myself.

I did. I knew exactly why I was reckless with a complete stranger, with one of the many frat guys on this block who slept with hundreds of girls during their college career.

I was fucked up in the head. Empty, mindless sex was one of the few things I could do when I didn’t want to face reality. When I didn’t want to feel the pain. When I could distance myself from … well, from none other than myself—the empty shell of a person that I have become.

My life changed over three years ago, on January 25, 2010.

It was the day that I could never forget. It was the day that I could never escape. It was the day that I made a conscious decision that had forever scarred and shattered my soul. It was the day that had left me forever broken.

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